It can be difficult when you are in initial stages of break up. The pain can feel overwhelming. A question that is often asked, is how long is this going to last for? Is this going to get worse?
Life After A Sociopath: The Ultimate Dating Betrayal
You feel awful, empty, bereft and the pain can feel overwhelming. You might be wondering how long is this pain going to last? Is this feeling forever? Will I ever recover from this? Is my life always going to be this way?
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You might struggle to escape, to break the cycle of addiction to the sociopath and the cycle of abuse. As you read information, and you see virtually your ex waving back at you on the pages that you read. You struggle to come to terms with the truth. They often seemed like the victim. Maybe you have it wrong? You struggle to believe that your ex was a sociopath. You still focus on the good times and the happy times. In this stage, you are so confused. Accepting reality is very difficult.
During this stage of healing, you constantly read information. You reach out to others. It is at this time that you are the most susceptible to being lured back in by the sociopath. Having been constantly lied to, constantly let down, you no longer know what is real, and what is fake. You struggle to adjust to your life, and to understand what is real? That there is hope, and that you will and can return to the glory days. As the harsh reality and the truth sinks in, you sink into a depth of depression and sadness.
You realise that this is something that cannot be fixed. It cannot be changed. You feel stupid and embarassed that this has happened to you. Your focus right now is on the sociopath. You are desperate for answers. You need to understand, why? Why has this happened? Why did you deserve this? Did your ex ever love you you constantly ask yourself? Was everything a lie? You struggle to come to terms with the harsh reality. You are now coming out of the fog of confusion and walking into the glaring truth of reality.
Your heart aches so badly for the way that you have been treated, that you could take it out and put it away in a box in a cupboard — until you feel better. You almost think that life with the sociopath was better than feeling this hurt. The harsh reality of your life and the effects of the relationship, is now hitting you hard.
Perhaps you have lost a job, lost friends, family, finances, even your home and other losses. It is hard to believe that the person that you loved with all of your heart has betrayed you. You feel empty, isolated and alone. What has happened is so crazy, it is difficult for you to explain to others. At this time you might also be in the midst of ruining and smear campaigns by the sociopath. Right now you feel an empty shell of the person that you once were.
In this stage you learn enough about psychopaths, sociopaths, and behaviour disorders, to gain a qualification. You become obsessed with understanding why? You read all that you can. Understanding about psychological behaviour becomes your latest obsession. The more that you read, the more you learn, the easier you find things.
Understanding how bad and messed up your ex is, in some way — helps you to feel better.
Life After Dating A Psychopath - important considerations
For some reason understanding is healing. Your focus in this stage is still on the sociopath, not on you. You are still hurt, and angry. You might feel a need for justice and to expose the sociopath. Acceptance is always the final stage of recovery. You might even be able to raise a smile, or at best a laugh.
You have done well. You realise that your ex had a psychological disorder. That was not your fault. What happened and the behaviour belongs to them — not you! In this final stage, you let go of the bad. You start to focus on the good. You accept that there is nothing that you could have done to change a thing. You realise that it was nothing to do with you,it was not your fault. You are not stupid.
In the final stage, you start to make plans for you. To rebuild your life. You are finding that the good times are outweighing the bad. You realise the damage that has been done to you. Perhaps you are struggling to trust others. You are looking at what you have learned, and perhaps things within yourself that you want to fix. You start to make plans for your future. Slowly you begin to allow others back into your life. In the final stage, you are not focusing on what happened, or why?
You are no longer trying to understand. Your focus is back to you. The final stage can feel slightly liberating. You have learned a lot and have grown. You realise that you want to not make the same mistakes in the future — or at least not date the same mistakes. You realise that you really do deserve better. For the first time, possibly in all of your life you are protecting you.
Looking after you, realising that you really do deserve better. You might be reading this, recently coming out of the relationship and are still in the early stages. The pain might feel overwhelming. The sadness, the emptiness, and the humiliation might leave you feeling absolutely devastated. You wonder how you can go on — will you ever recover?
Focus on you, it is not wrong to be selfish. In fact after an abusive relationship, it is essential you will be so drained you will need all of your energy for you. You can never fix somebody else, but you can fix you! Reblogged this on Joshua Stone's Bloggy-Blog. Just knowing someone else is going through the same shit as me is helpful.
Happy New Year Shaz, keep going. It is tough in the beginning. Like quitting a drug. But you can fully heal and recover. You will get over this. Ex sociopath left in September and is having a baby with his newest in March — yeah, you do the math. The pain is excruciating and unrelenting some days. I have stopped eating and it scares me. Going to therapy but I just want to feel normal again and see light in this black hole.
I know that my reply is a year late but Im going through the same thing right now.
I felt the same way about my ex in the bedroom. But, you cant base a relationship on sex. Knowing that just drives the stake in deeper than ever. Her crazy ass even tried to get his ex gf and me together. His ex and I compared notes. I KNOW that Im much better off without all of her drama in my life but Im still waiting for that dark cloud above my head to go away. Anyone have any insight to shake these blues?
Hi been going through and been experiencing , all the above , at the point now where it seems my God mother of 54years? It would be interesting to see an intersection of the two models. I like to emphasize the word Process and not Stages because I have found that within even one day I revisit the various stages. It is like sometimes I in and out of different planes of experience. For example, while we may have progressed and physically separated from the sociopath, the addiction and lure continues.
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The lure has an ebb and flow to it. I tend to my daughter and myself more. But then when I have some legal matter related to my sociopath, or I go near his environs, or someone mentions something about him and his girlfriend, I get obsessive. I experience veins of the one stage in another stage. This brings up another issue. What about our own pathology or neurosis? However it is helpful to described our own syndrome during and after the relationship as well as the vulnerabilities the sociopath took advantage of before entering the relationship. Perhaps this is where the Maslow Self Actualization model comes in?
When people are operating at the lower levels of the Maslow model, they are more vulnerable to a sociopath. Also, in addition to the addiction model, the sociopathic relationship is cultish. Cult deprograming and debriefing is something we should learn about too. DRC — actually, I agree that for myself, I projected what I wanted him to be … and I refused to see him for who he really is.
Yes this interesting DRC. For me it has only happened to me when I was in trauma severely traumatised. I had of course changed. Am just thinking… I dont think so?. I write about childhood having an impact esp with regard to the parents. I do see what you mean about two sides and interaction between two people. When you say how the lure of addiction is stronger at times than others. Did you notice that you also said the times when it is stronger is when you have been given a part of him for whatver reason?
Legal, going near his environment, or someone mentions him or his girlfriend this is how addiction works. The little monster feeds the big monster.. Focuses on your weaknesses and how important it is for us to look at those and address those within yourself. For me there was a slight difference. I would say even the real me before could expect others to fix things for me. I think because I was traumatised for me my radar was off….. But I still analysed behaviour exactly the same… If that makes sense??
Hmmm yeah interesting about cult deprogramming and debriefing. As it is like that for sure. I thought I was healed. But I do because his reactions from the past two times I saw him out. I knew then he knew who I was. Anyway, I watched him out of the corner of my eyes and could see him pointing his finger at my and talking to the other guys that worked at the bar I was at..
Which I knew right then and there my spath had been talking shit about me. The shit he did to me. I mean why would his friend make me feel this way? Because, KJ, his friend is an idiot as well. What goes around comes around, believe me. His friend was pacing at the door which tells me he called him and he was on his way with his new gal.. Thank god I left before that happened.
I would of lost it. Everything he did got on my nerves.. This is day 3 without sleep now.. He was charming, smart, funny, sweet, life of the party type of person everyone loved to be around. I was attracted to him but he had a girlfriend who lived three hours away. I told him I would not get involved since he was with someone else. We started spending more time together and I was happy. Other than being raped as a teenager, he is the only guy I have slept with and he was so sweet and considerate about it.
He told me he loved me and had never felt this way about anyone else and his feelings were so intense they scared him. I fell in love with him and was so happy. I got pregnant, it was not planned, and he changed. He tried to force me to have an abortion and then tried to pressure me into adoption. He bailed and I found out he had never broken up with his girlfriend. I also find out he has issues with porn and finding women online for sex.
I was still in love and wanted my baby to have his father and foolishly thought he would change and we could work things out even though he was still with the gf. He then runs hot and cold with me and I never know what kind of mood he will be in from one day to the next.
Stage two – The fog of confusion
He bails on drs apts and ultrasounds. He informed me his gf would help him raise his baby and proceeds to give me orders about what is going to happen and who will do what when the baby is born. I cut contact with him. When my son is born he shows up at the hospital with his gf.
My brother refused to let her in the room. While I am lying in bed after a C-section this jerk tells my mother I owe his gf an apology for fooling around with her man and trying to steal him away. My mother got in his face and confronted him and asked specific questions. He got this evil sneer on his face and his eyes went wild and the tone of his voice changed.
Wow what happened to the charming sweet guy I had been friends with for two years and fell in love with?! He then told me he and his gf would be coming and taking the baby for a few days when we got home. She has since moved very close to him. I told him no. He showed up at my home and physically threatened me and my mother threw him out. He hates my mother, has issues with women. Makes smart aleck remarks about his female boss and other women. I tried to tell his gf I was sorry she was hurt and I would have never gotten involved with him but he lied and told me they were through.
They are living the fantasy that they were a loving committed couple and I am the whore that seduced him and tried to break them up. Even though he had multiple flings of cheating on her, this was all MY fault according to them! And she is now trying to play Mommy with my son to get back at me. He then sued me for custody. We went through three rounds of mediation and one trial. I have appealed the decision because in true sociopath fashion he managed charm the mediator, judge, and his attorney.
My son was nursing every two hours. There was no way he could be away from me overnight nor could I possibly pump more. I was only nursing until he was 1 year old when he could have whole milk and then he could spend the night with his father. I was told I was going to have to mix breastmilk with formula against drs orders or figure out how to produce more milk! Yet I am the selfish one! And he is the poor mistreated father of the year! He actually got credit for overpayment of child support for that reason. I can see it in his eyes. I have gone the tenth mile with him and been flexible with visitation.
I buy gifts for him and his family from our son for bday, Christmas, fathers day, etc. But nothing I ever do is good enough. He demands rather than asks for anything. And everything is always my fault and he never takes responsibility for anything, he always turns it around on me. I finally saw the more I did the more he expected and used as an excuse to walk all over me. He has kept our son two hours later on three occasions.
I asked him to respect the parenting plan and he accused me of keeping his son from him. He treats him more like a possession and a trophy. These articles hit so close to home and describe so well and give great advice. I feel so stupid for being duped by him. I would love to read more insight on how to co-parent with a sociopath. So sorry for what you are going through as well. Thanks for your kinds words.
It is so hard to deal with this type of personality. This is the saddest, most terrible story. I am so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. These people are sick. His GF is sick too. I am so sorry xxxx. Hi, its very difficult just where to begin with regard to my story? I emmigrated to Australia in with my wife and kids. My wife was beautiful and I know with everything in me she loved me with all my heart as I did her.
Unfortunately she suffered terribly with depression which I knew about when we first met but loved her and supported her the best I could have. In Jan she completed suicide which left me in Australia with my two kids, running a business and also studying psychology. I stook it out for well over a year and made many mistakes along the way trying to cope with the grief.
I made the descision to return to England to my home town to have the support of family and to make a new start. I left this town initially when I was 16 to live with my dad. When we first saw each other it was almost electric, she was very beautiful and looked amazing. We chatted and told me she was married, worked in a care home and asked the same of me, so I told her briefly my storey and why I was back. Everything from there was very full on with messages from both of us and was such a great feeling. It was two weeks later we saw each other again and spoke all day and she later returned that evening.
I made no advance in the day but by her returning later on I knew where I stood! It was amazing and felt incredibly close and that was us. She left her husband and we dated. Through family I knew her relationship with her ex was violent.. She said she never loved him and for the first time in her life she knows what it is to be in love with me. She could never see us arguing or falling out. After a hard marriage on both parts I desperatly wanted to make us work and just love her. It was in her name for remaining loan as I had been out of the country but I paid the repayments.
I bought a house for us all to live in and all seemed sweet but then things started to change. She had a temper and appeared very aggressive at times and shoved me about a bit then pleaded she was sorry when i bit back! I took her in Feb to New York where we got engaged crazy I know but even when we was there I was excited by what I saw but without her saying too much I never got a sense of appreciation?
After we returned it got very bad. My kids bear in mind had been through a hell of a lot where basically put through hell by her and her own! She threw her ring and said she was leaving.. Back to her marital home but ex had gone. I still stayed with her and tried working things out but in April after a birthday weekend for her it all kicked off again. Anyway she sold the car because it was in her name and bought another new one.
I lost by this point but it was hers and nver did show any remorse. She then said losing me she has lost her everything and said she was depressed knowing its a subject close to my heart….. I took her back. I also found out at this point she was messaging other guys via network site and was very flirty indeed! Anyway I took her back…went on holiday to Egypt where she nothing short of bullied my daughter aged 8. I stood up to her and that was it again! Over but no, she played me again.
All seemed good, she was on meds and seeing counselor. Then again I found out through my kids that she had change over this past few weeks.
Recovering from a Relationship with a Sociopath
Was very hard on my daughter again yet her son could do know wrong! He is a terror by the way! She reduced my daughter to tears and threatened but despite this my kids hid it from me, not wanting me to be cross! She is now gone, said my kids are lying and just want us to split up. She was overheard by them bad mouthing me to her brother and bad mouthing them which she totally denied! We are over but I still question as I write this…could I be so wrong? I just loved her so much and did all I could but was never enough i always felt. I saw her in the playgound tonight, she was very smug and I had arranged to give all her stuff back that was at mine.
That through everything I regret so much!! She removed my name from her within two days after Egypt holiday! Do you think I might have a sociapath as an ex? I have my heart In my mouth as I think of your children. First losing their mother, and then this woman. She clearly has issues.
To treat your children in this way is appalling. Their mother only died in I should have put a smiley on the end of my question asking if she is a sociopath because especially after reading on here I have no doubt at all! It is the only comment I have read here, that has made me feel very sad. Perhaps that was because when this happened to me I was a grieving mother. Which is why the last one faked that his daughters mother was dying of cancer it was all a lie and his daughter was going to have to live with us…. A crucial part of recovering from your relationship is having clear and firm boundaries that separate you from your former partner.
Your ex may not respect the boundaries that you establish, so create boundaries for yourself that you will not cross. In part, setting boundaries is about helping you unlearn the dysfunctional patterns of your previous relationship. Build a wall in your head and see all of his hurtful comments and actions rebound off it.
Affirm to yourself that you will not be a victim anymore. The relationship has ended and you are moving on. Embrace that, and repeat it to yourself again and again. Repeating positive statements and affirmations helps you to expose negative reactions or beliefs that may have become normal or dominant, and replace them with positive ones. Think about what you want to do, where you want to go, and what you want to achieve.
Your former partner will not have shown any empathy towards you during your relationship, so now show yourself empathy. Understand the difficulties you have been through, but assign them to the past and create a positive image of your future. Seek support from friends and family. This will help you to validate your feelings and come to terms with what you have been through. Friends or family may be the best people to talk to. Be sure you are comfortable talking about your relationship, and completely trust who you are talking to. Try to talk to friends who are not experiencing any relationship problems of their own.
Spend time with friends or family that are positive and will help you think about the future as well as reflecting on the past. Recognise indicators of antisocial personality disorders. You can learn from the experience and take these lessons on with you through your life.
Recovering from a Relationship with a Sociopath
When you reflect on your experiences in the relationship, try to identify and diagnose behaviour that is indicative of an antisocial personality disorder. Sociopaths are generally unashamed of what they do and how they make you feel, and will sometimes happily admit to hurting people emotionally, physically or financially. They often blame the victim of this abuse, saying that he was just naive.
If you can recognise these factors it will help you to spot them in the future. The person behaves in hurtful ways and expects you to act as if nothing happened. He manipulates people, directly or indirectly. He treats you very differently at different times for no reason. He is comfortable lying to get off the hook. He externalizes blame, not taking responsibility for his actions and their consequences.
He sometimes seems to enjoy manipulating and hurting people. Know that it is not about you. You will at some point ask yourself what you could have done differently and whether what happened is your fault. The more you learn about antisocial personality disorders the more you will understand that sociopaths are likely to feel no remorse about what they do, and may even take pleasure in manipulating you and hurting you.
Sociopaths can be very skillful manipulators. The way he acts is down to him, not to you. He may have been very charismatic and effective at faking emotions, such as guilt. While it may be hard for you to tell what he was doing, sociopaths are generally fully aware of the pain they are causing.
This awareness separates sociopaths from people with other personality disorders. Narcissists, for example, may cause hurt, but they likely do so while trying to protect themselves. Consider getting professional help in overcoming your relationship with a sociopath. Find a therapist who understands sociopathic behaviour.
You will want to talk to a counsellor who understands the psychiatric disorder and can help you move on. Before you schedule an appointment, ask the therapist if he or she has a background in, or experience with, people who have been involved with sociopaths. Look for groups or support among other victims.
The best people to understand what you are going through are those who have gone through it as well. Ask your therapist to refer you to a support group, or check online for forums dedicated to victims. Go slow in new relationships. Be cautious of jumping into any new relationships too soon, and be aware of any warning signs. Think about how you got involved with your former partner and be aware of any similarities with a newly developing relationship.
Some warning signs to keep an eye out for include: Does he recognise how his actions impact on others, and take responsibility for this? Does he blame others for their situation? Can he make a genuine and sincere apology? Can he admit to making a mistake? I just ended a relationship with a sociopath after 6 years. I find it difficult to stop thinking about him, waiting for him to contact me again, even though I ended the relationship. What should I do? Remind yourself of why you ended it and keep that in mind.
Avoid contact with him. Consider that it may take up to six months or a year to completely get over him. However, the pain is at its peak right after the breakup. Your mind, body and soul have been thinking about him for six years, it's not easy to change that. Adjusting to changes in your daily life also takes some time. Talk to someone you trust if it gets to be too much.
Not Helpful 9 Helpful I think my partner is sociopath, because I have noticed most of the sociopath traits. Now we have broken up, should I tell his family secretly that he is suffering from sociopathy? You have broken up, so every relationship has ended. It is not up to you do diagnose this, it's just your opinion. You may be right, but your opinion has no authority. Additionally, it is very likely that his parents will side with him. Even if they agree, they're probably not going to stand with you against their own son. It is best to just leave it alone.
You broke up, now let it rest. If a sociopath cuts me off abruptly and blocks me, does this mean I am safe from any future contact from him? He ended it with me, right after professing he loved me. At some point he may try and reel you back into his dysfunctional realm. Block him in return to make this more difficult for him, ignore any future attempts at communication from him, and consider yourself fortunate to have escaped him. Not Helpful 0 Helpful 3. I have three young children with my ex.
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